Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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