atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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