tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
