im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
