Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
