We won't sleep together?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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