My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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