So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
