with your own penis?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
