I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
