I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
