I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
