Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
