it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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