there's paper in my vomit.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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