the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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