If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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