drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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