Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
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