Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
