I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
