85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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