I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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