Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We left an ass print on the piano.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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