I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
