I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
