On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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