im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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