last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
