i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
