You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
