Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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