WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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