Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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