I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
