her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
