i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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