I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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