I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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