WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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