well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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