Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
