tell your sister to shave her snatch
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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