Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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