I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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