I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
