my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
