all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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