it's like iHOP with fire
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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