its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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