I puked a lego.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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