Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
