I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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