:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
