i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
