So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
