at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
