If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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