You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All the doctor said was why
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
