I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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