everyone is single if you try hard enough
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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